For former Viking Greg Camarillo, Vincent Jackson's death is a reminder of the challenges of life after football
For former Viking Greg Camarillo, Vincent Jackson's death is a reminder of the challenges of life after football
Purple Insider talked with Camarillo after he penned a Twitter thread that explained how players can struggle after they retire
by Matthew Coller
When former star wide receiver Vincent Jackson passed away earlier this week, ex-Vikings receiver Greg Camarillo thought about his time as Jackson’s roommate as rookies in San Diego and how they became friends from that shared experience. He also thought about the times after he retired that he couldn’t sleep because his mind was racing. He thought about times he couldn’t stop contemplating his purpose now that a lifetime of chasing football dreams was over.
“I was a walk-on in college, I was undrafted going into the pros, so I never expected to have a professional football career and I didn’t think that I would struggle…and then I did,” Camarillo said over the phone on Tuesday.
Camarillo, who played in the NFL from 2005-2012, said that he wasn’t ever one to share too many feelings or write things down but in response to his clash with retirement, he took out a journal and began writing down the thoughts that were flooding his mind.
“I was 30 years old and I’d already reached this peak in life and I’ve been to the top of the mountain, how will I ever replicate that?” Camarillo said. “How will I ever be motivated again to try to create something good or to work hard to pursue new goals? What would my new passion be?”
Camarillo said that former NFL players — and all athletes and professionals who have poured their hearts and souls into something for many years — not only have to deal with finding their identity beyond their profession but they also have to grapple with having it taken away suddenly. There’s no buffer period when a career in football comes to end.
“You’ve put all your energy into one thing and it’s gone quickly,” he said. “If there was a gradual retirement over 10 years, I don’t think it would be so bad…but every day as an NFL player you work hard toward a goal. I want to make this roster. I want to make the playoffs. I want to make the Super Bowl. Suddenly you’re retired and you have all day. Literally all day.”
Sometimes in football, players are not entirely sure when your career is over and things hang in the balance. Uncertainty leaves them in limbo. When Camarillo was cut by the New Orleans Saints in 2012, he mentally decided that he was done with football but he got a call from his agent about the Indianapolis Colts wanting to check in on his status. That got the spark going again. “What if I can play another year?” he thought. Even when formulating his plans after football, he tried to leave the door open just in case someone wanted him on the roster. That made it harder to move forward.
And as he tried to figure out what was next, Camarillo factored into his plans having an answer to the toughest post-career question: “What are you doing now?”
Camarillo’s wife was pregnant when he retired so he could tell people he was getting ready to be a dad. He applied to grad school so he could say he was going to grad school in the fall. Not having a reasonable answer to “what are you doing now?” would have made things even harder.
“Some guys try to get into golf, some cycling, some go back to school but it’s just not the same,” Camarillo said. “I was never a weight room guy, I didn’t wake up like ‘oh yeah I’m going to work out today’ but I miss being able to go into a weight room, working out to the point of throwing up and then feeling good that I busted my ass for a goal. I can work hard at my job, I can work hard at being a dad but it’s not the same effort that goes into it and reward to come out of it.”
Former NFL quarterback and brief teammate of Camarillo’s Sage Rosenfels said that players have to change their mentality about what’s considered winning and being successful. No longer are those things beating the rival, being interviewed after the game, holding up a trophy. The goal posts can’t just be moved a little, they have to be reshaped in your mind.
“Your entire life you’ve been impressing people and now to say you’re a State Farm agent or whatever, maybe in your own opinion that’s not something that’s impressive,” Rosenfels said. “When you get to the point about what’s really impressive…how do you judge yourself as a father, are you doing the best you can? Try to impress yourself. That’s not easy to do…I’m a single father, there’s times where I’m trying to do things like I took my kids on a trip and they got to do that and that makes me feel good.”
And then there’s the injuries. The 99.9% of us who never played in the NFL simply can’t comprehend what it takes to physically play season after season in professional football. When it’s over, the injuries don’t just disappear like they do on the weekly injury report when a player is healed. Former players who spent their entire lives being able to leap over mountains must come to terms with having those physical talents fade.
“The hard part of that is that it’s another part of your identity being taken away,” Camarillo said. “You are used to being a high-level athlete where your body functions like nobody else’s body functions and it’s difficult to cope with that leaving. Sitting at a desk for too long hurts, standing up for too long hurts, some guys can’t pick up their kids and that’s not something that gets better, it’s only going to get worse. That’s another part of your former self that is now gone that you need to cope with. All the parts just add up.”
Rosenfels, who talked with Purple Insider with a sling around his shoulder from surgery on an injury suffered way back in college, said that he has to look at physical issues as a price he has to pay in order to make a better life for his family. That sentiment feels grim but it eases his mind.
“This shoulder injury is way better when my kids go off to expensive colleges and they get to go to a private school or get to have nice things or get to drive nice cars, whatever it might be, they get opportunities that maybe I didn’t have and that’s where the injuries… for me this is worth it,” Rosenfels said. “It makes me feel good that my kids have these opportunities because of my sacrifice. Something for players that should be talked about is that you are going to sacrifice your body and your body is going to break down for people around you to have nicer things and better opportunities. You need to think about that. That’s a thing that makes it feel like it’s worth it.”
Hillsborough County Sheriff Chad Chronister told Q105 in Tampa, said that Vincent Jackson had “a lot of longstanding health conditions” and suffered from “chronic alcoholism.”
The site Pro Football Talk wrote that Jackson’s death highlights the need for better support for former players. Camarillo said that during his time in the NFL, he saw the league improve vastly in the amount of backing it provides for players in setting them up for their transitions out of football. Rosenfels pointed out that the league provides free therapy sessions to retired players and said he urges former players to take advantage of that.
But no matter the improvement in assistance from teams and the league or advice that’s handed down from ex players, Camarillo said it can still be hard to convince people who consider themselves warriors to speak up. He wants players to share what they are going through and tells students that he advises at the University of San Diego to go in search for passions outside of the game. Life can be about football without it being all about football.
“We have access to mental health counselors but through our society as young men, our society as football players, we’re taught to suck it up, don’t whine about it, fight through it and you’re going to be OK,” he said. “That doesn’t work when it comes to mental health.”
That’s partly why Camarillo authored a tweet thread explaining the things that players go through and urging others to reach out to check on their friends. By the end of Tuesday, his initial tweet gained nearly 8,000 likes and around 2,000 retweets.
“It doesn’t come up enough as far as checking in on each other,” he said. “This thing with Vince Jackson is incredibly tragic. The silver lining is that I have received more calls, I’ve reached out to more people, I’ve gotten more texts of guys just saying I miss you, guys saying I love you. That doesn’t happen much. That’s kind of the world we’re in today, it’s hard to call someone and catch up but guys don’t check in enough and it’s something I’m going to try to do more and it’s good to see other guys are doing the same.”
Camarillo said he’s been greatly helped in his transition to retirement by his family being his support system. He is urging former players — and anyone else who can relate — to speak up if they are feeling the same way he did after his NFL career was over.
“When you’re going through something, there’s a great chance somebody else is feeling that same exact way,” Camarillo said. “Instead of saying ‘I’m good, I’ve got this, I’ll figure it out on my own,’ talk with your guys. Just that talk can help you out.”
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It’s same when you retire from the military, particularly if you’ve been deployed to a hostile area and are combat arms, that sense of loss of identity.